Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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