the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
