She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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