Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
