i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
