you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
