So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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