She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
