between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
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I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
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Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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