I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
