I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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