if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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