I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
