when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
