Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
