there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
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Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
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I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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