Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
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the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
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I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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