We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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