she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
