She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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