Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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