youre lurking in front of me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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