she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
