Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
