Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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