if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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