dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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