Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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