i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
