Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
