We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
