Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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