my phone needs a breathalizer
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
