Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
