Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
