Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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