You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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