Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
