It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I love having hate sex.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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