I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize