just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
