You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
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I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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