I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
