remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
