My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
