Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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