when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
