the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
