I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
In other news, I just burned my penis
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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