dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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