Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
