best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
