just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
