So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
