Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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