i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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