You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize
