Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
