just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
