It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
