I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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