I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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