Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
